A little more than five years ago, my husband and I celebrated our marriage with family and friends on a beautiful day in Soquel, CA. It was everything we had hoped for and more. We will forever love the day that set us on our journey into marriage. And since that day we have been waiting to start our family. We thought that it would "just happen" like it is supposed to for every family living out the American Dream. You get married, start a career, buy a house, have a baby. Right? Wrong.

First, you have to know what career you want and be able to attain it. Strike one. Second, we live in the Bay Area. So buying a house is a bit out of reach. Strike two for the American Dream. Third, the doctors say that having a baby without the help of IVF is probably never going to happen. Strike three. We never imagined our adult lives going this way, but who does? So we began our marriage in a perpetual state of waiting. Waiting on the right careers and the family we've always wanted.

Waiting patiently (read impatiently) is SO hard! So what do you do when you are waiting? First you fill your apartment with animals. Two cats and a dog in our case. Second, you find a way to work through it so you don't drown in depression.

Working through the waiting has been beyond difficult. Watching friend after friend announce their pregnancies on social media stings every time. Seeing friends announce their dream job or buying a house makes our dreams seem further away. Working with families of new babies in my job makes me imagine what it would be like if it were me in their shoes. Scrolling through Pinterest and seeing all the tips and tricks for pregnant mothers makes me want to break my computer.

But what it has done is to push me into reaching out for God. Where is He in all of this? He promises to be working everything for our good. Isn't having a home good for us? We could save money! Isn't having a solid career good for us? We could have for the house we want! Isn't becoming a family good for me? It's my dream! When I think back to my dreams as a child, all I ever knew was that I wanted to be a mother. That's it. No dream job. I just wanted to be someone's mommy. So, what the heck??

Thankfully, our staff at work has been reading this book as a part of our book club. It is called You Are Free by Rebekah Lyons. In it she has a chapter titled "Free to Wait". Oh man. How fitting is that? Every paragraph in that chapter resonated with my heart. But one line in particular stuck out. She was meeting with a friend and her friend said:

"Perhaps God has called you to something and he's holding it off for a reason." (p.123)

That line made my heart ache. Why would God be holding off starting a family from us? So that's where I've been digging in. Why would He be holding it off? Cue introspection. What has been going on in the past five years? When we first got married, I was in a job that caused me a crazy amount of stress. If I had gotten pregnant while I was there, would I have left to find a job that was more suitable to me? When we first got married, Andrew was still figuring out his career path. Would he have taken a job that would have kept him from finding his true calling if we had gotten pregnant or moved to a new place? Would I have found my way back to myself if I had gotten pregnant when I was depressed and had lost my way? But most importantly, how would God have used our story if everything went according to plan?

Thankfully, He has held off our dream. We have learned and changed so much in these five years. And thankfully, I am surrounded by amazing coworkers and friends that speak life into our situation and have helped guide us. One in particular. My coworker and friend, Lisa, has been instrumental in helping me navigate this stage of my life. She has listened to me cry and talk through my feelings. She has been supportive in every way. And she has pushed me to explore what God might be calling me to.

The whispers in my heart have said that God is pushing me towards this. Combining my love of creating with sharing my story of waiting. That is where the beauty is. I have rekindled my love of using my hands to create things. It has become a release for me and I feel God with me in it.

One of my creations that I am most excited about is the Christmas Gift I made for Andrew this year. One of the biggest hurdles of infertility and waiting is maintaining a strong marriage. We have loved each other for 15 years and want to ensure that many more years are to follow. So, for Christmas I made him (really, us) a year of dates. Each month we have a different adventure to go on and we will document it with a picture (thank goodness he's a photographer!). I hope that at least 12 times this year we can spend time focused on one another and all the blessings that God has given to us. And that one day we will be able to look back on this time in our lives with deep gratefulness at all that God has done in us.

So, I hope you will join me on this adventure. The process of waiting is so hard, but it is much harder alone.

"Waiting is a critical part of your anointing. It prepares you, strengthens you, equips and trains you to step up when the moment comes." (p.129, Lyons)

Are you waiting? I'd love to share in this journey with you! Comment below and we can support each other as we are preparing, strengthening, and training for all that is ahead of us.