Have you ever been reflecting on something you’ve done and think to yourself, “hot damn, I’ve grown as person!” I just had one of those moments the other day!
Scott’s Flat Lake in Nevada City, CA. Millie LOVES the lake, me- it’s growing on me!
This past weekend we decided to finally go on our stand-up paddle boarding date that we’d been talking about for a few weeks. We love to spend time outdoors and are always looking for new adventures to go on together. However (a BIG however!), I do not swim in open bodies of water. Nope. Not even once. You know what’s down there? Me either. And I’m not okay with finding out or “trying not to think about it”. That means water sports have pretty much been off the table for much of our relationship. So I knew this would be challenging going into to, but I wanted to try something knew! After all, I have grown and changed a lot this year, so maybe I will suddenly love swimming in the lake!
That didn’t happen. Here’s what did happen though. We got to the lake. It was beautiful! Tucked into the Sierra Nevada mountains, Scott’s Flat Lake is a reservoir that entices people of all walks of life. There are campgrounds, there are hiking trails, there are great mountain biking trails (according to hubby), and there are ample opportunities for any kind of water recreation you’d like to get in on. This particular day had great cloud cover as a storm was blowing in. So we got started pumping up our paddle boards. That was quite the workout! And we also learned that you have to pump it up much more than you think you might need to!
Post panic attack fun! I was finally starting to feel comfortable moving myself around.
Now we were ready to set off. I was very nervous, but figured I’d give it a try. So I knelt on the board and pushed off. And guess what? Panic attack. Yikes! Good thing I was close to shore. I pulled myself over to the bank and tried to keep myself from hyperventilating. If you’ve ever experienced a panic attack, you can probably picture this pretty well. There I am kneeling on a paddle board with the tip shoved on the bank of the lake. I’m holding the paddle for dear life and trying to breathe in a slow and controlled way, and not cry. I was so close to calling it good and sitting on the shore while hubby went off and paddled. But you know what? I didn’t. Andrew came over and waited with me while I took it all in and calmed down. I waited for the overwhelm to calm. I used my breathing to guide me. I sat in the scary.
How often do you do that? How often do you let yourself feel the feelings? Or simmer in the uncomfortable? If you’re like me, it’s probably not often. I’d much rather call it quits and go back to what is easy or fun or comfortable. I’d rather check the boxes that are easy than push through the thick of it to check off what’s hard. But this past Sunday, I grew. I changed. I accepted where I was and saw where I was going. Then I got myself there.
So glad for my adventure buddy! He helps me to see how strong I am and pushes me to be the best version of me.
Once the panic subsided, I took baby steps. First, I spent time paddling on my knees and hugging the shore. Then we took a break. Then we went a little further, still on my knees. After another break, I wanted to try standing to see what it felt like. And wouldn’t you know, it wasn’t as unstable as I feared. So I tried moving. Success! I paddled a little way standing up, but still along the shore. Another break. This time, we went a little further and veered away from shore.
Each time we went out, we went a little further. We got a little further from shore. I got a little bolder, a little braver. Isn’t that how life is supposed to be? We go out into the world and face hard things. We retreat a little and find rest, restore ourselves, then head back out to try again. And each time we head back out, we are a little stronger, a little wiser, a little braver.
I hope you find something that scares you, that challenges you, and I hope that you face it head on. I know you will make it through. Take breaks. Find yourself. See yourself grow. Cuz hot damn, you’re worth it!