Endurance sports are hard. Like, really hard. In college, I had a friend that roped me into training to run a half marathon. Fun with friends and eating lots of food, a perfect combination! And I ended up liking it. We ran several races together and tried to plan our long training runs so that we could gab along the way. After getting several half marathons under my belt, the natural next step was to train for a full marathon. What. An. Idea. Good thing I had the enthusiasm of a college student!
I learned a lot about myself during that process. I learned that long runs of 20 miles cause my feet to stop working. Face plant anyone? Yeah, twice in one run was my record! I learned that fueling myself for long runs takes a lot of attention. This is the only part I wish I could go back to and do better at. Developing ocular migraines from training runs is not fun. And I learned that I can push myself further than I thought I ever could. I may never train to run that distance again, but I gained so much from the experience that I still carry with me today. But let me tell you, stepping over the finish line that day was a sweet victory!
The one and only full marathon finish line that I have and will ever cross! The Nike Women’s Marathon in San Francisco was super challenging, but I had great friends and my husband (fiancé at the time) there to cheer me on and help me get through it!
But what happens when it feels like the marathon is never going to end? I knew how far I had to go when running my race. There was a definitive stopping point. I knew once I got to the end there would be relief and lots of pancakes to help me recover from the physical turmoil I had just endured (it really was turmoil!). But when you can’t see the finish line it is hard to remember those things.
Could you imagine setting out to compete in something and not know where it was going to end? For example, you set out on your bike to ride in a race. You get to the start line, hear the starting noise, and set off! You follow everyone else for a while and start to feel in stride. After a couple hours you start to wonder if you are getting close to the finish line. You start to look around to see how everyone else is feeling. Surely you must be getting close, right? You see your pit crew and take a short break. Maybe you ask if they know where the finish line is, but all you get is a shrug. So you hop back on and keep going. A few more hours pass, now you must be about to cross the finish line! But alas, it doesn’t come into view.
In that fatigue, in that unknown, in that struggle, how do you keep going? Some don’t. Some will get frustrated and give up. They might tell themselves it’s okay because they did their best for as long as they could and they are okay with that. Others may let the negative feelings overwhelm them and cause them to give up. Others have to hop off their bike because their body just physically can’t move forward. And others may get distracted by something else that looks more fun. And all of these are okay!
But if your goal is to finish the race, how do you keep going? This is what the infertility journey is like. It is the longest, hardest, most mentally challenging race you could ever sign up for. Oh, wait. I didn’t sign up for this! Instead we headed out for a fun adventure and found ourselves running a race we didn’t sign up for.
Let me bring this analogy full circle. We set out on an adventure! We met and fell in love and got married. We thought our adventure was going to be a short afternoon hike (because all you have to do to get pregnant is to get married, right?). But as we started hiking, we noticed that the trail didn’t head back to the car. Instead this trail has put us in a trail hiking race of sorts. We don’t have a map, but we know what the finish line should look like. Along the way, we are given a map. Insert more learning about the birds and the bees than I ever thought possible! We also meet friends along the way. They have also been roped into this race and given no map. But somewhere along the way they find their map. They cross their finish line. Now it’s just us again. And that continues over and over and over again. But we’ve yet to find a map.
This seems so sad and depressing. Maybe it makes you wonder, why keep going? Here’s what I’ve learned on our journey. If you lose faith in what you dream about, there is no reason to continue. Period. Life is hard and full of unexpected twists and turns. You get roped into races you don’t want to be part of. Things are always harder than they seem. If you give up, you have nothing. You have to find what drives you and stick to it. You have to believe in something.
For me, I believe that God has everything within his timing. I believe that my deepest desires come from the plan that he has set before me. It is so easy to forget that or to see what others have and think it is within my power to have that also. But ultimately, it’s up to the big guy upstairs. That’s not what drives everyone, but we all have something keeping us going.
In my actual race, I did come home with a prize. It was cute and small and I had worked hard to earn it. That is my dream for us in the future!
What are you keeping your faith in? What is driving you towards your dreams? Why do you get out of bed in the morning and do all the things you do? If you don’t have a clear answer for any of these questions, I would encourage you to do some soul searching and find your answer. Dig deep. Find what is pushing you to the finish line. Then, put your head down and work for a bit. Take some time to look up and take a breath, then keep going. Eventually the finish line will come into view. Eventually, you will reach your destination. It just takes one step at a time.